TP: Hey, Phil. First off, thanks for sitting down with me. I am a huge fan of yours. Congrats on today at GP Wallonie, Canada and leading the WorldTour ranking.
PG: Oh hey Taylor. Yeah thank you. I would say I’m a huge fan of yours too but I never really see you in races because I’m usually off the front. And from what I hear, you’re usually off the back.
TP: Yes, that is quite understandable. Talk a bit about your goals this year and how it has gone.
PG: (laughs) How it has gone? Um, Taylor, I’m sorry but do you watch cycling on TV? I have won everything. I don’t know if you noticed but it would appear to the general public that I have 3 legs, while everyone else, yourself included, has a mere 2. Goals? I don’t set goals. Goals are for people who are weak. I just win. Everything. It is funny because I’m actually getting tired of it… You know that electricity that courses through your body after winning a bike race? Yeah, well, too much of that can cause some serious low back pain. It is really quite annoying now but I keep winning anyways because it is how I am ‘wired’ or something.
TP: Yeah, you are really impressive.
PG: That is another thing, Taylor, stop sucking up to me. I know I am a legend in the making but Jesus H I am a person too. Relax, I’m only beastly on the bike. In person I’m a real Teddy Bear. In fact, that is what my close friends call me. Teddy Bear.
PG: Don’t question me.
TP: Just wondering Phil… Jeeez I thought you were a Teddy bear.
PG: I am, just get to know me you ignorant American piece of…
TP: Phil, this is a family blog, please. So back to the interview. What are your chances for Worlds?
PG: (laughs) There you go again! Chances? Ahhhhahaha. Only mere mortals have ‘chances’. What kind of BS is that. I could win that sh…–I mean–I could win the Worlds so easily, it’s just, like I said, my back, it really hurts…from all the post ups. I can’t control it. Your friend Cadel has done a good job of limiting his winning salutes to one armed fist pumps… I need to learn something from that guy. That is a big reason why I signed for your team actually. Well, that and the cage of African lions and tigers I was promised by Och. I can’t wait to just sit in my house and play with my lions and tigers. Like me, those animals are so raw and fierce on the outside, but incredibly gentle on the inside.
TP: Wow, yeah I would be really excited to play with the lions and tigers too. Maybe I could come over?
PG: (laughs) Taylor, you really are unique… In the worst way that is. I don’t even know you, why would I invite you over to my house to play with my cats? That is asking a lot don’t you think? Plus, they would totally eat you. You are like a human gazelle. I mean, look at your nose, it is huge. You must be really good at smelling things. Is this interview over yet?
TP: Yeah, Gilby, almost. Is it alright if I call you that? I just came up with it.
PG: You may refer to me as Sir, Your Highness, or Master.
TP: Oh, OK, I apologize. Your Highness. Anyways, about your victory. I was actually there to witness it and am pretty excited about that! You are so amazing. How do you do it?
PG: God you are really getting on my nerves Taylor. Yeah, a lot of people witness my attacks, you know, since EVERYONE is BEHIND me. Jeez, you think you are special or something? Get on your hands and knees and clean my shoes.
TP bends down and begins to clean PG’s shoes.
PG: Yeah, that is better. So anyways, I attacked and I won. Everyone knew I was gonna do it, and then I did it, and then no one was surprised when I won. Luckily I had time to slowly take my hands off the bars so as not to hurt my poor back. Alright I’m done with this, goodbye Taylor. Now kiss my feet to prove to me that you did a good job cleaning them
TP kisses PG’s feet.
PG begins to hover off of the ground, puts one fist to the sky, and takes off in flight.
That all really happened! Actually, it didn’t.
A quick update from me today. Felt good, was fun to be racing again. Almost got dropped on second to last climb, hung in there until about 2km into the final climb, right before it leveled off. Blew to pieces, but witnessed a Gilbert attack, so that was cool! On to Koolskamp in two days which is more my thing.