Earlier today at lunch…
Fat Taylor: Dude! FRIIITESSSS! Get French fries! French fries! French fries!
Skinny Professional Taylor: Buddy, buddy. Throttle down, throttle down! We can’t bro, I’m sorry.
FT: Whoa captain buzz kill. What? Are you being serious? You know I don’t understand your humor…this better be a joke.
SPT: No man, I’m serious. We gotta stay lean.
FT: But we are in BELGIUM. What else are we gonna do here besides eat frites, waffles and chocolate!? Can I get a WOOT WOOT for some CHOC-O-LATE!?!?
SPT: Hey, turn the volume down dude we are in a pretty fancy pants restaurant.
FT: Yeah and we are wearing a cycling undershirt, swim trunks and spa slippers… Not to mention the fact that we are sitting here talking to ourself. I don’t understand your logic sometimes dude.
SPT: I already told you! We left our clothes at the service course…this is the only way… You should be happy, we are in fact EATING.
FT: We are eating sea bass and salad you idiot. I’m the FAT version of you remember?
SPT: Yeah and it is really good! Just be quiet and let’s eat.
FT: I hate you for what you put me through you know that right?
SPT: Oh come on dude are you gonna do this now?
FT: YES. Yes I am… Are you not aware that BIG is BEAUTIFUL? Or are you too busy drinking Tyra Banks’ America’s Next Top Anorexic Kool-Aid?
SPT: What does that even mean? … BIG does not equal fast-on-a-bike… We could never pass for beautiful anyways, have you not seen our nose? It’s huge.
FT: OHHH WOE IS USSS. Will you quit already with the nose? How many times are you gonna bring that up? You know it only attracts more attention to it.
SPT: Well, it is big enough to have its own gravitational pull so…I think enough people already notice it.
FT: UGHH just order some frites will you? I hate that you have all the control. LET ME OUT! Don’t you remember all the good times we used to have? Why can’t we go back to the days of doubling up on Larkburgers and dunking fries in chocolate milkshakes? Let’s live in that time. This time sucks.
SPT: We are a professional now, and you know it. We have a time of the year when I can let you out but it is not now! Paris Nice is in less than two weeks! Do you like being the first one dropped on climbs because I don’t!
FT: Oh my God. Cry me a river Justin Timberlake… Just TRAIN HARDER you moron.
SPT: Do I need to remind you that we just got back from 2 weeks of racing in the Middle East? We are training pretty hard, can you just please be respectful of our job and the duties that it comes with?
FT: No Taylor, I can’t. Because you NEVER give me what I want. It’s alllll about you and winning bike races. I’m starting to think you care about that bike more than you care about me.
SPT: Um, of course I care about my bike more than you. How on Earth did you not know that?
FT: Wow that is low, I suppose next you’re going to call me fat or something.
SPT: You’re fat.
*Fat Taylor puts his head in his hands*
FT: I can’t do this anymore. I deserve better.
SPT: Ahh you know what? If I could throw you into the fires of Mount Doom, I would.
FT: Oh. My. God. You are a cold-blooded monster. Do you hear the words coming out of your mouth? And really? A Lord Of The Rings reference? I don’t even know who you are anymore.
SPT: Ugh fine. Look, our sea bass is getting cold. When we are done I’ll order a coffee…and you know what comes with coffee in Belgium.
*Fat Taylor perks up* WHIPPED CREAM, CHOCOLATE, AND COOKIES!!! Really dude?!?!?
SPT: Yes fatass. Now will you please be quiet…at least until dinner?
FT: Thank you, Taylor. I will be quiet now.