TnT Advice Column: Taylor’s Fantasy, Tandemonium, D-Shnozzles and the Ex-Tebow

Taylor’s Fantasy

Clark asks a 2 part question:

1) Is it worth it to let nature run its course on the legs in the off-season? I’ve never let mine grow back because the first few days of leg whiskers on long pants or riding with leg warmers are torture. Thoughts?

2) If a zombie were running at you and all you had was your bike, how would you recommend using it to take down the walking dead? Let’s assume your tires are flat and nobody in the zombie apocalypse has a Presta pump, so riding away won’t save you.

Dear Clark, Taylor here. I am going to go ahead and answer your second question first. I have often fantasized about using a bike in combat, so this question really felt like a vital one for me to answer. A couple weeks ago on Thanksgiving day I was out early, putting in the miles to make sure I really earned my turkey dinner feast that each year we Americans prepare in honor of our ancestors slaughtering a bunch of people who used to live here. I was up in the high mountains of Colorado on a road called the Peak to Peak highway and riding with my roommate Evie Stevens. We were about two and a half hours into the ride so naturally I had tuned her out and was getting lost in my own thoughts. As a cyclist, especially a cyclist who likes to ride with other people (but who apparently loses interest in talking to them rather quickly), I get honked at a lot. Due to the excessive anger displayed towards me from what ends up being mainly truck drivers; at this specific moment in time on the Peak to Peak highway my mind was fully engaged in a twisted Thanksgiving related truck driver/cyclist altercation ‘fantasy’ if you will. I was day dreaming about a big green dually truck (the ones with 4 wheels in back) coming whizzing by me, just barely clipping my shoulder as it passed at somewhere between 80 and 90 mph. Due to my general badassness, this didn’t hurt me at all and I proceeded to raise up off my handle bars and taunt the driver with both arms flailing wildly in rage. The truck, noticing my antics, screeches to a halt with all four of its rear wheels locked up. As I pedal closer to the now idle vehicle, a large man steps out with a shotgun in his right hand and a bottle of Jack Daniels in his left. This man is overweight, in a sleeveless jean shirt, and bright orange hunting vest. Let’s just imagine that he has no pants, just some lightly stained whitey tighties. He chucks the bottle of Jack at me as I race towards him. Clearly, he is not left-handed and the throw is under-powered and poorly aimed. I dodge the bottle and proceed to advance at approximately 50 mph (I am incredibly strong in my mind) on the large man who at this point in time is now raising his gun. I initiate my cyclocross dismount, unclipping my right foot, and swinging my right leg over the saddle, around and through the left leg so I can prepare the first step of my attack/disarm maneuver. I then unclip my left foot approximately 10 feet from the large redneck. I time my dismount perfectly so that I am able to swing my BMC SLR Team Machine in a fluid diagonal uppercut motion to the mans chin JUST before he is able to fire. BANG, the sound of the shot reverberates off the sides of the tranquil Colorado mountains. THUD. The man has been uppercut so hard by my bike that he has done a full backflip and a half and landed loudly on the cold pavement. Stunned and on his back, I have enough time to slowly walk over next to him and pick up his shotgun. I then deliver the greatest line anyone with a gun in their face has ever heard.

Happy Thanksgiving MotherTrucker.

Don’t worry folks, the fantasy ends with the man being escorted to jail. I am not a psycho, I would never kill the imaginary redneck! The point I am trying to get across is that in my own imagination, bikes can be used as very good weapons. They are quite large and pointy in certain areas such as the fork, and chainrings. If/when the zombie apocalypse does roll around, just make sure you have your BMC on hand. I sure will.

Tejay here. Getting back to the point… Razors are expensive, you don’t need to spend the extra money on razors and extra 20 minutes in the shower. Feel like a man for a month and let it grow. Shoot, that is what I have been doing with my face over the winter!

Taylor: Wait, Tejay, are your legs shaved?

Tejay: Yep.

Taylor: …

Tejay: Yeah, we don’t speak the truth on here.

Tandemonium

Scott asks: My wifey really wants to ride a tandem with me, but I think it’s full of problems. Just the major ones: neither of us wants to be in back (she brakes too much and I might have an issue with gas), her power to weight is WAY below mine, and we’d be that couple that does EVERYTHING together. Any advice how I can convince her to drop the tandem?

Dear Scott, Tejay here. You are larger in mass than your wife. Physics dictates that on a tandem bicycle, the larger person sits in front–tell your wife this, you will not be lying. Trust us.

You say that you have a gas problem, but we don’t see this necessarily as a ‘problem’. Once you have convinced her that she NEEDS to be on the back to be in accordance with the laws of physics, take your strike. Remember, you only have ONE shot at this. Fuel up on way too much fiber; I recommend Taco Bell, and make sure you don’t wear those brand new Assos shorts you paid big bucks for.

I give her one ride with your stanky Taco Bell butt in her face, and she will submit defeat. Bye bye tandem.

Taylor here. Wow, Tejay, you just killed that! Respect. I would like to analyze another key point if I can… We all know that the ladies wear the pants in any relationship after marriage. Most men think they do, but let’s all be honest with ourselves, if she is sneaky enough to get you to marry her? Yeah, she wears the pants. If you have read the book ‘Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus’, and I am guessing you haven’t, you would know that men need their ‘cave’. Cycling is your cave Scott, your escape from your job, your home, your…wife, and you NEED that cave to survive. Women are not allowed in the cave! Sure, riding with the lady friend every once and a while can be great, but for the most part, you have to keep the bike and the lady separate for them to co-exist!

Tejay: Do you need help with this? I am, after all, the only one of us that has read ‘Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus’.

Taylor: … Umm.

Tejay: Oh you just go ahead.

Short and Sweet

Anonymous asks: Going through a bit of a dry spell and getting a bit bored, need a bit more action in my life. I’m off to college next year so don’t have a lot of time for a proper relationship which might mean something. Would it be wrong of me to take a average to poor offer i’ve got on the table knowing i can’t really commit and just fancy some ‘fun’?

Dear Anonymous, Tejay here. As long as the ‘average offer’ you have is on the same page as you and knows it is just about fun and is COOL with that, then there are no problems. The second you start telling her things she wants to hear–but may not be true–for the sake of getting in her pants, then THAT is when you become what TnT calls a ‘douche-shnozzle’.

Taylor concurs.

Exing out the Ex

A Fellow Bro asks: So I had this girl.  Was friends with her for a year.  She then breaks up with her older three year (tatted up jesused out) boyfriend and tells me she is cray cray about me.  We casually dated for a semester…over the summer she started seeing him again and before I know it they are back together.  We were never full “relationship status” because we wanted to keep it simple.  She wants to still be my friend.  Could either of you forgive a girl for something like that and be her friend?  What would TnT do?

Dear A Fellow Bro, Tejay here. Don’t let yourself be on the hook. She just keeps you around because she wants the attention you give her by wanting to be with her.

Taylor here. I agree with Tejay on this one. This sounds like a typical ‘stuck in the friend-zone’ situation. To be quite honest, a girl who strings you along like that is not worth your time. Any girl who can easily switch between dudes, offering hope to both at seemingly the same time is BAD NEWS.

Tejay chimes in with: Bro–shit, or get off the pot. The no-fun part about relationships is that you have to put up with the girls craziness. The great part about relationships (among others of course—winky face) is that you are free to get down and dirty with said girl. Sounds to me like you are experiencing the crazy, but none of the bang bang. Why would you submit yourself to that?

Taylor here again. AFB—when in doubt, pull out! Don’t give her the time of day. I wouldn’t be surprised if, when you pull the plug on her and no longer give her the attention that she has gotten used to from you, she comes running back. This tatted-up-Tebow of a man she is dating now is going to get old for her again and she will be desperate for her back up plan (that is you). Just say no playboy! Do you really want to be her back-up plan? I think not.

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