TnT Advice Column (INAUGURAL POST)

Here we go!

The Age Old Dilemma..?

Douglas asks: Girl likes to have sex most at night. Like late. I often have to wake up at 530am to meet training partner for ride. How do I do both? Because skipping one or the other just isn’t doable, and you know it.

Dear Douglas, Taylor here. While Tejay has a rather simple answer to your question–which we will get to later–I would like to take a second to delve a little bit deeper into this.  According to a fact that was passed on to me by my female roommate, who most likely heard it from a friend, who read something on facebook about a friend who tweeted about this; the hour at which the average woman is at her highest state of arousal is precisely 3:00-4:00PM. Therefore, for me, the answer is simple: the ladies, they buy into a lot of questionable things. For example, if she is into horoscopes then you are in luck! This means she will be more inclined to believe you when you present her with this ‘fact’. I’m not saying you should lie to your lovely lady, I’m just saying that if you incorporate lunar and star alignment into your presentation on how her optimal sexual hour is–whenever you want it to be AM/PM–then you WILL WIN Douglas. If she DOESN’T believe you then she is clearly not crazy–a.k.a. a keeper, and you should probably marry her.

So really, you will either A. find out that your girlfriend is not as great as you thought and will have to dump her because, let’s face it, she be crazy to believe you. Or B. you will not get what you want. And that leads me to Tejay’s answer.

Tejay: Douglas, have sex, sleep in, ride alone. (Taylor secretly agrees to this plan).

Standards…

Klowe29 asks: Should you “Go Ugly Early” or wait and try your chances with the hottest one in the bar?

Dear Klowe29, Tejay and I have compiled a mutual answer for this one. Like Babe Ruth, we would encourage swinging for the fences, even pointing at said fence before you knock that ball out of the park. Instead of thinking what if..? Think why not! For reals, you will find that the second far outweighs the first. I think you will also find that probably not a lot of people in the bar have pointed at the hottest girl there, which will subsequently make you stand out, because let’s face it, pointing at randos is kinda creepy. BUT also, intriguing. On a side note, make sure you have an incredible follow up to said pointing move in order to guarantee success. As Tejay would say, swing for the fence, but don’t be too upset if you end up at First base–he knows better than anyone that you gotta slay a couple dragons before you can find the princess. No shame sir, no shame.

ALSO, you need to look at the long term. If you are going out, fully committed, then you have the WHOLE night. Rooms are dark, alcohol is permeating the blood stream–entering the brain, making life blurry. By 2:00AM the hotties are by and large all at home looking at themselves in the mirror, pretending that they enjoy eating 300 calories every day and tweeting about how amazing their life is and how much more ‘blessed’ they are than the rest of the world. Granted, I wouldn’t know, I am just guestimating here (winky face). Anyways, back to the point. Try your luck early fellas, be funny, win some, don’t worry if you lose some…but at least try! If, by 2:00am you are unsuccessful, then lower your standards exponentially factoring in the time of day and your growing level of intoxication.

Sweet, Sweet, Bike Riders.

Anonymous asks: There’s a friend (bike rider!) I don’t fancy at all trying to go on a date with me.. I don’t wanna be rude to him but he’s a real pain in the neck! He knows I just want to be his friend but he never misses the opportunity to invite me to my team’s football matches etc. Advice? Are all bike riders so annoying??

Dear Anonymous, Taylor here. First off, hold those horses! I’m not sure if you know this, but both Tejay and I are bike riders, and the only way you could have arrived to my website is through my Twitter, which means that at the bare minimum, you follow me, and let’s just go ahead and assume that you follow Tejay. SO, your final question is irrelevant because you should know from reading at least 2 of my tweets that yes, bike riders are incredibly annoying! I don’t hide it. I am proud…

Tejay here. As well as being very annoying, we tend to be very persistent. Unless this guy feels he still has a chance, he WILL persist, SO this turns into a classic ‘truth will set you free’ situation. Tell the guy that you are not into him ‘that way’ (whatever the hell that really means!). And also, stop being a tease and stop stealing his football tickets.

Taylor here again. Girl, hold up. He buys you tickets to football games? Or he invites himself to YOUR games… Slight difference. If he buys you tickets to games then you might need to step back a second and evaluate this situation a little bit deeper. This guy sounds like a care-taker. Let’s face it, you are not getting any younger, and you might look back to this time and think ‘why oh why did I not get with that guy who was so nice to me, and who bought me lovely things all the time and genuinely would have spoiled me for the rest of my life…?’ Then, you will look him up on facebook only to notice that he has moved to sunny California, married the winner of Season 8’s America’s Next Top Model, and they look oh-so-happy. Crushed, you close your 8-year old computer and head to the freezer for your second pint of Ben & Jerry’s Cherry Garcia in the span of the last 30 minutes. It is also raining outside because you are in England.

Think about it…

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